Cave Cuniculum...

Latin. Means "beware the rabbit."

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

ADVISORY: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE

You have been warned. Strong language will be used in this post, as it is reflective of my frustrated emotional state.

I think Q*Bert said it best: "#*&%^@^%)~:#$%&)$*%^!!!"

Fucking Countrywide. They dick us around for nearly eighty days, fuck around with a "missing" appraisal, and now they have the nerve to ask the seller for a promissory note?!?

What. The. Fuck.

What they're asking is this: we purchase the house, and they task the seller with paying off the remainder of the mortgage. For example, if the seller owes $100,000 and we buy the house for $70,000, Countrywide's investors want the seller to still be on the hook for the remaining $30,000. Never mind that this is a short sale (meaning the seller can't keep up with the payments) and the house goes into foreclosure on June 12th. No, forget all that. What's important is how much these mongloid fucksticks can get out of a home that a)has sat vacant for two years, b)has been on the market for a year, and c)has one and only one offer - ours - since it's been up for sale.

<sarcasm>
Frankly, I'm surprised. With such sound business practices and willingness to work with potential buyers, it's shocking that they're being bought out by Bank of America.
</sarcasm>

I'm sick of being chainsawed in the scrotum just when it seems we're about to have our offer accepted. Countrywide has done nothing but hinder us in our attempts to purchase this house. From the "missing" appraisal to the sudden request of a promissory note, it seems like they don't want to sell this property.

Well, good luck to them. Good luck getting fuck all for that property. In nine days it goes into foreclosure, and enjoy paying $5,700 a year in taxes.

Maybe your former president can float you a loan from his $28 million severance package.

I'll be rescinding my offer shortly, by means of letting a diarrhetic pachyderm loose in your home office. Just to show I'm not a complete ass, I'll send along a spork so you can dig yourself out. Seems only fair, after the kindness you've shown me.

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Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Icy relationships [update, part II]

Water is still not working. As an added bonus, the landlords appear to have not gotten our rent check despite my jamming it in their mailbox six days ago. Nice to know they're observant enough to know that they haven't received a several hundred dollar check.

[expletive deleted] punk-ass [obscene plural gerund].

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Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Icy relationships

On Monday, my wife called me at work to tell me that the pipes had frozen. While she went in search of the cell number to call the landlord that fixes things, I called the landlord that has people skills. About an hour later, I got a call back and was told - in a rather gruff manner - that the landlord that fixes things had been contacted and would be working on it. My wife, however, gives a different account: "He told me that he'd get around to it later."

Lovely. Apparently "his time is money," which explains why he spent all of a half-hour trying to correct the problem. Half an hour. In that time, he set up a (lukewarm) space heater by one pipe, and put a work-light under another. There was a blow-torch nearby; I can't say with any degree of certainty if he used it or not. In any case, the pipes are still frozen - we have no cold water in the bathroom, and (oddly enough) no hot water in the kitchen.

I guess this annoys me because we're spending a rather large chunk of change on this apartment, and we've had nothing but hassles from them for the past few months. This is just another twist of the knife - we let them know that there was an issue; one that could potentially cost them hundreds of dollars, and the response we got was "we'll get around to it."

In addition to the frozen pipes, we have a hole in the wall from the thermostat that they moved several months ago. They pulled it off of one wall, and moved it to the wall shared with the back apartment's kitchen. Obviously, this will make it warmer and affect the reading. Result? Our apartment is constantly five to ten degrees colder than what the thermostat says. Meanwhile, at the house next door (which our landlords also own), people are opening their windows to try to cool the apartments down. After a couple of weeks of me doing it, they've finally started to shovel the sidewalk and steps. I also recently found out that they jury-rigged a power cord to the outside by wiring it into the main circuit breaker in the basement. I found this out after they took down the Christmas lights and tripped the breaker for our kitchen.

What annoys me the most is their lack of attention. This is a business; people are paying you rent to make sure that they have a safe, warm, and functional place to live. If you can't provide that or don't have the time to provide that, then don't. Sell the place to someone who does, and who can properly maintain the property. Someone who can keep the place together without creatively using duct-tape.

Rest assured, I will be grilling the landlord(s) of the next place we live before I sign any lease. I'll also be thoroughly inspecting the property, and hopefully be able to talk to the other residents.

This is not a mistake I plan on making again.

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Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Little doggie is about to die...

If the upstairs neighbor's little yappy dog doesn't stop barking, I'm going to go up there and personally muzzle and/or tranquilize the little bastard.

Seriously, this little bastard barks continuously whenever its owners aren't home. This means that - with few exceptions - the little fucker is barking damned near continuously from morning through the night. The cats have gotten to the point where they just ignore it, but will still occasionally look up at the ceiling whenever the dog starts up with a "jesus, not this shit again" look on their faces.

Apparently the dog's owners have been trying "natural remedies" to calm the dog and keep it quiet. It isn't working. I've had to call the landlords twice now to get it taken care of. I really don't like causing problems and I don't want to get them evicted, but I want to have some peace and quiet when I come home from Shitty Job™. I don't want to hear "yapyapyapyapyapyapyapyapyapyapyapyapyapyap" for five straight fucking hours when I'm trying to enjoy the evening with my wife.

So, that being said: anybody know where I can score enough tranquilizers to take down a weiner-dog for a week or so?

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Monday, December 18, 2006

I have no words....well, some words...

RE: "Underdog" Live-Action Movie
Dear Hollywood:

Please, please, please stop shitting like a diarrhetic wildebeest over my childhood memories. The only way you can atone for this is to light the script for this cataclysmic disaster on fire and use it to gouge your eyes out.

Thank you.

-------------

There. Now I feel a bit better. I really wish I was making this up, I really do. But I'm not. What's next? A golden retreiver Hong Kong Phooey? A russian blue Tom paired with a fieldmouse Jerry? Where does it stop? There's a "Transformers" movie in the works - directed by Michael Bay - wherein "stuff blows up neat." I'm not expecting great things from this, honestly, but it looks a damned sight better than a fuckin' flying beagle.

Can you remember a time when movies had actual scripts and actors? When a "special effect" was a smoke pellet in a pistol, and not a goddamned computer-generated piece of scenery? Remember Bogey and Bacall? Cary Grant? Mel Brooks?

If you do, you're one of the few. Today's movies seem to be more about attempting to connect with the audience through some sense of childhood nostalgia rather than with strong writing and actors.

Gone are the days of Bogey's dramatic draw on a cigarette, replaced by catchpenny one-liners unconvincingly uttered by the likes of Ah-nuld. Gone are the days of intelligent writing and new ideas, replaced by hackneyed cliches and ideas thieved from TV shows and video games.

There are still movies that I want to see - I like to see stuff blow up neat just as much as the next guy - but I miss movies that draw you in, and hold you entranced with the story and the characters. There's still some out there - mostly independent films - but they're few and far between.

Now, if you'll excuse me I think I need to pull out my copy of Casablanca.

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Monday, December 04, 2006

Good HTML coding is your friend.

Today I received this in my spam-box:

(click on thumbnail to embiggen)

The email is from - as far as I know - a design company looking for business. My question is this: how can I trust their design skills when they can't figure out how to send an HTML-based email?

Looking at the email, it appears that they forgot the < head > and < /head > tags. Yes, I know it's spam, but bad design is bad design no matter what the content. Take the time to double-check your code; make sure it's working the way it should. Then send it out to the public.

As for it being a design agency, I have my doubts. But, assuming it is, how confident would you be asking for their services? If they can't format an HTML file correctly, can they colour separate correctly? Do they know the difference between serif and sans-serif fonts, even?

I don't want to besmirch their "agency," but as a designer myself I feel it's in my best interest - and the interests of my clients - to make sure that whatever piece I'm working on is not only visually but technically competent.

Anything less makes you a piss-poor designer.

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Friday, October 06, 2006

Three steps back...

The excrement has impaled the rotary oscillator.

I didn't make the 2nd round of interviews. I'm not sure why; I'll need to contact the HR person to get feedback. Graphic design jobs continue to elude me.

At the current job, the promotion still hasn't happened. Also, payroll was screwed up - I wasn't paid for overtime and a paid day off from last pay period.

When it rains it pours, and it's starting to flood.

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Happy birthday, indeed.

Today is my birthday. What have I gotten for myself? A $500 car repair bill and a throbbing migraine. It'll be hard to top this next year.

I can remember when my birthday was relaxing; full of cake and ice cream and brightly coloured boxes. Now it's full of long days at work, half-finished projects, and brightly coloured cups of coffee. I used to look forward to my birthday; now I look forward to it in much the same way I look forward to a dental appointment.

*Sigh*

Sometimes, I really miss being a kid.

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Monday, October 02, 2006

Getting bit in the ass

I woke up this morning and was greeted by a brilliant flash of lightning. This was followed by a rather ominous crack of thunder, which was followed by the sound of thousands of raindrops hitting the pavement in rapid succession. Normally, this wouldn't bother me. I rather like storms. However, with the car in the shop and my transportation to work limited to bicycle, lots of cold water/thunder/lightning and an 11-mile ride presented a bit of a problem.

My wife had offered to take me into work, but that's not really feasible - I work at the butt-crack of dawn, and it's not fair to make her lose several hours of sleep just to trek my sorry ass to work. So, I borrowed her car with the promise that I'd be back in time to make sure that she got to work on time.

Methinks that this is a bit of karma biting me in the ass for not biking as much as I wanted to/should have this past summer. There's also a little of the car in there, too - haunting me for not correcting the issue sooner.

What have I learned from all this? First, bike whenever possible. Secondly, I should be prepared to become oily and dirty at a moment's notice to forego annoying and lengthy car repairs.

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Automotive money pit

The car is now back in the shop for repairs. Apparently the pipe that goes from the engine to the exhaust is broken, and has been leaking exhaust fumes into the car. Lovely. Guess that explains the headaches and above-average exhaustion. The O2 sensor that sits on the catalytic converter is also the wrong one - despite the good folks at NAPA telling me otherwise - and will need to be changed out. Finally, there's a tube in the power steering system that has apparently rotted through, and will need to be replaced.

Unfortunately, these are all "dealer" parts - meaning that the parts shoppes don't carry the ones needed for my car. This also means that they've had to be ordered, and the car can't be worked on until the parts arrive, which will be sometime on Wednesday. This also means they're expensive. Thrilled? You bet I am. I'm so thrilled I haven't been able to unclench my fists for the past few hours.

Thankfully, my limited knowledge of car repair will allow me to save ~$100. I can change out the O2 sensor myself, after purchasing it from the dealership's parts department. No additional labour costs, and as an added bonus I get to entertain the neighbours with my rendition of a drunken long-shoreman.

Wherever I end up moving to next, I'm going to do whatever I can to try to ensure that everything I need - food store, job, etc. - is located within walking and/or biking distance.

Screw the car. I have two perfectly usable legs.

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Tuesday, September 12, 2006

An Open Letter...

To: Mr./Ms./Mrs. Asshole
Re: Destruction of property

To Whom It May Concern:
You, sir or madam, are a complete and utter asshole. Sometime between Friday afternoon and Sunday afternoon you decided it would be fun to smash the front passenger side window of my wife's car that was parked in front of our house.

This is made even more insulting by the fact that you apparently did this only for fun. The car is old, and obviously there is nothing worth stealing in the car. Not that you would have known that, because you didn't rifle through anything. You merely smashed the window. By the way, the ATM slip that you pilfered won't do you any good. The accounts have already been changed, and the police have been notified - so bugger all on that.

Was it an accident? If so, why didn't you leave a note? Was it peer pressure? Were you bored? Did you have nothing better to do than randomly smash the window of someone's car? Was it because it didn't affect you directly?

Fuck you.

You increased our stress level a bit, something that didn't need to happen. You also cost lost time and money as we wasted an entire day dealing with police reports, filing insurance claims, and repairing the window. Rest assured that should I find you, I will take payment for this out of your hide. Slowly, so you can feel all the pain and stress that you've caused. Deliberately, so maybe you'll think twice about doing this to someone else.

The only plus side of this was that our incredibly nice neighbors taped up the damage you did so that rain wouldn't get in through the hole you created.

My advice to you is to find people like our neighbours. Perhaps something of them will rub off on you, and you'll stop being a complete ass.

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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

What...the....hell...

It appears that I was wrong when I believed everything had been worked out regarding my job situation.

Things are apparently hung up in committee. As far as I know, the promotion hasn't been made official. No word on the raise. I still haven't received my review. This just goes to show what happens when you take people at their word.

I will be meeting with my boss - again - to discuss this issue. I'm sure he's looking forward to it, but not in the same way that I am.

This will be resolved very shortly, or things will become very, very, very ugly.

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Juan Valdez would be very, very disappointed in you.

    Q:
  • "How many people does it take to make coffee?"

  • A:
  • "If you work where I work, just one, but they have to do it over and over and over and over and over and over again."

Seriously, how hard is it? When the carafe is empty, dump out the basket, add a new filter and fresh coffee, replace the basket, and press "Start." That's it. Really. Not rocket science; not asking you to dissasemble an atomic bomb using only tweezers and a half-dead varmit. Just make coffee. Add coffee. Add water. Press start. That's all.

For many of the people where I work, this seems to be nearly impossible to grasp. Virtually every morning I stagger out to the coffee pots, only to find a drop or two in the carafe, while another empty one sits nearby on a hot burner; last night's brew smoldering into a crusty mass on the bottom. Sighing, I make a new batch and clean out the carafe (hint: use ice; it cleans out faster than scrubbing). I return to work and let my co-workers know that I started a fresh batch of coffee. Inevitably, they return to tell me it's now empty and they had to start another batch.

If I worked in a small office with five or ten employees this wouldn't be such an issue. However, I work with 300+ other people, all of whom - at least, the last time I checked - had fully functional arms and reasonably functional brains. Clearly they can grasp the concept of "pot empty. need make more."

So why don't they? Are they that inconsiderate? Or are they relying on the few to make coffee; the whole "it's not my job" thing?

After months and months of having to make coffee several times a day and clean out carafes because other's can't or are unwilling to, I've had enough. This morning, I posted the following above the coffeemakers:


TODAY’S LESSON: COFFEEMAKING101

Hello, and welcome to COFFEEMAKING 101. Here we’ll review the basics of coffeemaking and carafe handling. Ready? Let’s begin, shall we?

  • 1. Turn off the burner when there’s a half-inch of coffee left in the carafe. Otherwise, it’ll form this nasty hard muck on the bottom that takes forever to scrub out (hint: swirl ice around in the bottom. This will clean out the carafe in half the time of scrubbing.)

  • 2. Remember that other people would like some coffee too. When the pot is nearly empty or empty, please make a new pot. This will greatly appease the caffeine monster in other employees.

  • 3. If you spill coffee grounds, sugar, creamer, etc. on the counter, please be courteous and wipe it up. This way there’ll be less ants, and people won’t be setting cups in counter crud.

  • 4. Please see #1. It bears repeating.

  • 5. Please see #2. It bears repeating.
This concludes COFFEEMAKING 101. Next time, your brew cycle and you.




Simple, direct, and with just the smallest hint of angsty sarcasm.

Trust me, this isn't the worst that's been posted, and it won't be the last. Maybe it'll be the one that actually gets people to act...
...
...Yeah, I don't think so either...

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Thursday, August 17, 2006

HANG UP AND DRIVE!!!!!

There's a couple of caveats to this post - it will contain some strong language. Be warned, and make sure to hide the kiddies in another room. I'm also going to be talking negatively about cell phones, so if you hate that sort of thing you should probably go somewhere else. That being said, on with the post...

It's taken me about a week to calm down enough to write about this incident without wanting to track down the fucktard and beat him to death with his shiny phone. That's the basic story, but here's what happened:
Last week, I had taken a day off of work to spend some time with the wife. We were returning home, having been out and about running errands. As we traveled down the road to home we were nearly t-boned by an asshole in a truck who ran through a stop sign while chatting away on his phone. He didn't even realize it until I screeched to a halt while laying on the horn, and even then we got a glazed "duuuuuhhhhhh...." look from him while he continued to talk on the fucking phone. I wanted to follow the bastard; grab the phone from him and punch him repeatedly in the face and crotch while screaming, "you monkey-fucking troglodyte!!!! Did you see what you just did?!?!?!?" Thankfully, my wife was calmer than me and talked me out of pursuing that course of action. Besides, we didn't have bail money.

Now, some of you are probably thinking, "wow, that's a little harsh." It might be, if not for another incident that happened a couple of days prior. I was biking home from work, following the traffic laws, and proceeding through a stoplight where I had the green (Remember that: I had the green. It'll be important later). Without warning, a car - driven by what I'll kindly refer to as a "human female" - ran through the red light and nearly ran over me. At the speed she was going, she damn near would have killed me. Thankfully, I managed to maneuver the bike out of the way and only ended up with a warped tire and a strained knee. As this..."woman"...passed by, I distinctly remember seeing the look on her face; one of "OMFG!" Interestingly enough, she didn't pull the fucking phone away from her ear, nor did she have the common courtesy to stop and see if everyone was all right.

This isn't isolated to those two incidents, or to cars, either. I've nearly been run over - and run into - by people talking on phones while attempting to drive/push carts/walk/breathe/etc.

So, to those of you who say I'm being a little harsh: fuck you. I'm sick and tired of being run into or nearly being run over by half-witted pissburping fucktards who can't do two things at once. How about a little common sense and etiquette? I don't like having to continually watch everyone with a cell phone to see if they're going to do something stupid. I'd like to be able to walk through the grocery store without someone ramming a cart into my shins, mumbling an insincere apology, then wobbling off - all without interrupting their call. I'd love to be able to bike home without wondering which jackass is going to try to run me over because they can't pull over to the side to take that call.

If you really need that cell phone, fine. But use it with caution, dimwit. You're not the only person on the planet. It's high time you stopped acting like it.

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Thursday, August 10, 2006

I....I'm honoured....really, I am....

Wow.

I seem to have procured my very first spammer. On a blog, no less. And this farktardvague human-thing seems to have "links that might be interested." Interested in what, praytell? Aren't links inanimate objects? How could they be interested? Are they magical self-aware/sentient links?

Meh.

So, to the spammers out there: learn to use correct grammar, or knock it off. I can get a copy of hello.jpg, and I'm not afraid to use it.

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Friday, July 28, 2006

When you look down your nose at me, I can see your boogers...

A few days ago my wife was driving through Gaslight Village in East Grand Rapids, and had...an "incident." Nobody was harmed, but it's annoying all the same.

Apparently a couple of young'uns decided to slowly amble across the road in front of her during a rainstorm. Right in front of her. When she had the right of way. Not in a crosswalk. So slowly, in fact, that she had to slam on her brakes to avoid hitting them. Apparently unfazed, they had the audacity to point and laugh at her car.

If this had been an isolated incident, I would've chalked it up to kids being bastard children; yelled at them to get the hell off my lawn and gone about my business. However, this wasn't an isolated incident; rather, it's becoming the norm. Without fail, every time I journey into East GR I'm greeted with thinly-veiled hostility; an air of snootiness that implies that I'm not good enough to be breathing their air - let alone shopping in their stores.

For example, I recently stopped in at the grocery store to pick up mushrooms. In the parking lot, I was nearly run over by two yuppies in their SUVs - one backing out from a parking spot (while talking on a cell phone); the other attempting to pull into a parking spot at record speed (while talking on a cell phone). Both regarded me with looks that seemed to say that they had missed me only because it would've been too inconvenient to wash my remains off their vehicle. Once in the store, the snootiness continued - including one woman who nearly ran me down with her Amigo motorized wheelchair to get to the potatoes. Again, the same look of disgust.

Bear in mind that when I go into this store I'm polite, quiet, and generally try to stay out of everyone's way. Unfortunately this same courtesy is not afforded me by the residents of this locale. It's not just the store; I've nearly been run over more often in East GR than anywhere else. It's also the place where I've nearly hit more people than anywhere else, apparently because walking your dog/walking/jogging/biking is that much better when you're three feet into traffic and ignoring the perfectly functional sidewalk. Just walking down the street in that part of town makes me feel overly self conscious; as if all eyes were focused on me, and fingers had dialed 911 on their cell phones and were waiting for a reason to hit "Send." It's almost enough to give a person a complex.

Mind you, I'm not a button-down, three-piece suit kind of guy. My hair's a bit long; I have an earring, and I've been known to wear obnoxious Hawaiian shirts on occasion. I don't - as far as I know - have a look about me that screams "serial killer," "vagabond," or "lobsters crawling out of my nose." If I do, someone please let me know.

I have begun to fight back, mind you. Not violently; that'd be ridiculous. No attitude; I don't want to sink to their level. No, I'm fighting back with humour.

For example:
When I purchased the aforementioned mushrooms, I noticed that I was being closely scrutinized by one of the employees. As he slowly priced the bags of potatoes, he kept a wary eye on me. Perhaps he thought I would attempt to shove a box of mushrooms down my pants and run out of the store with them. Whatever the reason, his steely gaze followed me wherever I went.
So....
...I did what I thought he wouldn't expect: I picked up a portobella, and licked it. I then repeated this with three more mushrooms, placing each one in my basket. Afterwards, I walked past the employee - who now looked more stunned than anything else - and remarked, "they need more salt."

So, you egocentric townies: be warned. Stare at me long enough, and I'll do something weird.

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Did you really think this through?

This morning, I nearly committed vehicular homicide. Note that I said, "nearly." All parties involved are fine, save for a momentary increased heart rate.

This morning it was rather dark. The storms from last night had ended, but the sky was overcast. At 5:45am, the sun hasn't started coming up yet. This means that - save for the street and building lights - that it's damn near pitch black out there. On my commute in to work, there are sections of my route where there are no street lights. Not only does this make it incredibly dark, but it's also harder to see pedestrians.

It was one such pedestrian that I nearly turned into a greasy stain on the road this morning. I rounded a curve (traveling at the speed limit, mind you)and immediately had to swerve to avoid tagging an older gentleman walking a bit farther out from the curb than he should have been. There's several reasons I didn't immediately see him; primarily because it was dark, but primarily because he was wearing an all-black track suit. Let me say that again, just so it's clear: he was wearing an all-black track suit.

Even the umbrella he was carrying was black.

Now I ask you, WHY?!? Why would you go walking early on an overcast morning, with reduced visibility, on the road, wearing an outfit that's almost guaranteed to make you the unwitting target of motorists? Is it a death wish, or just general stupidity?

In this gentleman's defense, it was East Grand Rapids*. Perhaps he thought that everyone should see him, and get out of his way. Perhaps he's still out there, cursing at cars that swerve to avoid him and yelling at them to get off of his damned road...

*I'll explain in another post.

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Monday, June 26, 2006

No veggies were harmed in the creation of this post...

Post is inspired by this thread on FARK. Granted, a lot of what goes on in FARK posts is bits of trolling and back-and-forth arguments without a lot of backing up, but this one hit a bit close to home.

I've been vegetarian for seven years now; my wife has been vegetarian for a little over ten years now - We're both college-educated folks, and I'd like to think that we know enough to make an educated decision as well as recognizing if said decision was harmful.

Some people go "veggie" for health reasons; others for ethical/moral reasons. Some have their own reasons. I've even run into a couple who went vegetarian because it was "trendy." Before you make the decision to eschew animal products, make sure it's an informed decision. Don't do it because your partner is doing it or because of some new-found activism. This is a lifestyle that requires dedication, and a lot of the time it's not very easy. Let's start with the basics. When you go vegetarian, you'll be giving up a lot of foods you used to enjoy. No more Jell-O; no more marshmallows - these are made with gelatin, an animal product. No more foods with "carmine" or "lard" listed in the ingredients - these too are animal products. You'll be doing a lot more reading, and you'll need to learn what is and what isn't animal based. Most of what you find may surprise and disgust you. Also, be prepared to read a lot of labels when you're grocery shopping.

I went vegetarian for health and moral/ethical reasons, and I really never liked meat all that much. To this day the smell of liver and onions makes me retch. I never really felt healthy eating meat; rather, I felt sick afterwards - as if my body were rejecting something. Since I've gone vegetarian, I've been able to better maintain my weight and many of my allergies have disappeared. As for the moral/ethical reason, I've never been comfortable with the idea that another living thing needed to be killed so that I could have nourishment. Now, before I start getting all the angry "but plants are living things too" comments and emails, I realize and accept that plants are living. A lot of what I eat can be harvested from the plant without killing the plant (tomatoes; cucumbers; bell peppers; etc.). Many of the plants also die naturally at the end of the season, leaving whatever edible parts are left to rot. Additionally, the seeds from these plants can be harvested to grow new plants - something you can't do with animals without a lot of fancy technology and/or other animals. Finally, far less plants are killed by vegetarians than animals are killed by meat-eaters - when you eat meat you're not only eating the animal, you're also eating all the plants that animal has consumed over the course of it's life.

Along that same thought - the grain that's fed to one 1,000lb. steer (which feeds ~100 people) is enough to feed thousands of people. The water used on that steer over its lifespan (several hundreds of thousands of gallons) is enough to float a battleship, which is enough to ensure that thousands of people have water to drink with enough left over to water their crops. And what happens? The waste from these animals runs into the river/stream/groundwater, polluting it and making it nearly unusable. Granted, farming plants leaches nutrients out of the soil, but these can be replaced by rotating crops, composting, etc. Animal urine and feces not only need to be removed, but the soil needs to be decontaminated before anything else can safely be grown. There's a greater environmental impact that comes from eating meat than from being a vegetarian. I also rather like knowing where my food comes from. Organic veggies and veggies purchased from the local Farmer's Market. Tofu and vegetarian products that come from organic companies. Meat? Who the hell knows, and who knows what's in it? Hormones? Antibiotics? Rat droppings? Sawdust?

Finally, there's the myth that vegetarians/vegans need to take lots and lots of vitamin supplements to replace what's lost from not eating meat. From personal experience, I can honestly say this isn't true. So long as you're eating a reasonably balanced diet - not just chips and iceberg lettuce - you should be fine. Leafy greens, legumes. Fresh fruit and nuts. Real vegetables, not just the ones found in Doritos.

In short, vegetarianism isn't just for hippies anymore. Granted, it's not for everyone - but those of us who've decided to not eat animals shouldn't be criticized any more than those who eat meat.

Don't tell me I'm wrong for not eating meat, and I won't launch into a diatribe of how you're wrong for eating meat. We can be friends, really.

Now if you'll excuse me, there's a portabella mushroom stack with smoked gouda and balsamic vinagrette that's calling...

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

On Biking and NOT Getting Smushed...

I'm a cyclist. During the spring/summer, it's my preferred mode of transportation. The reasons are varied, but the main one right now is cost. It's much cheaper to bike than it is to drive - especially with gas at nearly $2.80 a gallon these days. There is, of course, the health benefits. There are also the health detriments, which is what I'll be talking about.

I primarily bike to and from work. It's a 22-mile round trip ride, and in the early morning it's actually quite pleasant as I bike through suburbia. It becomes increasingly less pleasant during the second part of the trip, which involves some time spent on a reasonably busy street. This wouldn't be so bad, except the folks on the road at this time - ~6:15am - are driving their yuppie assault vehicles whilst chatting on the cell phone and trying to suck down a mocha latte and a double-glazed while changing the radio station on their way to work. In a car, this wouldn't present a problem; a simple honk of the horn is usually enough to jar them back into focus and into their lane. However, it's a bit more difficult when you replace "car" with "20lb. hybrid bicycle."

I'm not pro-cyclist (although I do give them room when I pass); nor am I pro-vehicle. I'm pro-pullingyourheadout. When I bike, I obey the rules of the road. I'm in the bike lane, or on the shoulder if there's no bike lane. As I'm over sixteen, I'm not allowed to ride on the sidewalk. I stop at lights, and don't cut in front of traffic (hell, I don't have a death wish). I merely expect the same curteousy from the other folks on the road, whether they're running, walking, biking, or driving.

For example:
Last year I was biking home on a sunny summer day on the not-so busy road that I take home, when a red Pontiac Grand Am pulled directly out in front of me. The driver had seen me; had looked directly at me before pulling out. Locking up both sets of brakes and skidding the bike sideways prevented me from going over the hood of the car. Did the driver pause to see if I was hurt? Was I given an apology? No. I got the half-hearted "oops!" as the young lady drove past. If this was an isolated incident, I wouldn't have cared terribly much; would have chalked it up to a mistake on the part of the driver. However, after narrowly missing being turned into a greasy stain more times than I can count I'm wondering if a)they're out to get me, or b)they're just not paying attention. Hopefully it's b.

So, to you drivers out there I offer this:

  1. Please, please, please look BOTH ways before you pull out of a side street. There could be a cyclist coming. Their cardiologist will appreciate it.

  2. Remember that cyclists are on the road. Remember that you'll need to move over a bit to prevent clipping them with your side mirrors and scaring the hell out of them.

  3. PAY ATTENTION TO THE FREAKIN' ROAD! That call can wait. There's cupholders in your car for a reason. Makeup is best applied at stoplights. That donut isn't going anywhere. Keep your eyes on the road, and watch out for your fellow travelers.



...and to my fellow cyclists:

  1. Keep an eye out for those wacky drivers. Some of them might be ok, but most of them really aren't looking out for you.

  2. Respect the rules of the road. Traffic laws apply to your spandex-wearing ass, too. I've seen some cyclists run lights, sprint across intersections with the light against them, etc.

  3. PAY ATTENTION TO THE FREAKIN' ROAD!



So, please don't turn me into a greasy smear on the pavement. My wife will appreciate it. Besides, I've grown rather attached to being three-dimensional.

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