I have no words....well, some words...

RE: "Underdog" Live-Action Movie
Dear Hollywood:

Please, please, please stop shitting like a diarrhetic wildebeest over my childhood memories. The only way you can atone for this is to light the script for this cataclysmic disaster on fire and use it to gouge your eyes out.

Thank you.

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There. Now I feel a bit better. I really wish I was making this up, I really do. But I'm not. What's next? A golden retreiver Hong Kong Phooey? A russian blue Tom paired with a fieldmouse Jerry? Where does it stop? There's a "Transformers" movie in the works - directed by Michael Bay - wherein "stuff blows up neat." I'm not expecting great things from this, honestly, but it looks a damned sight better than a fuckin' flying beagle.

Can you remember a time when movies had actual scripts and actors? When a "special effect" was a smoke pellet in a pistol, and not a goddamned computer-generated piece of scenery? Remember Bogey and Bacall? Cary Grant? Mel Brooks?

If you do, you're one of the few. Today's movies seem to be more about attempting to connect with the audience through some sense of childhood nostalgia rather than with strong writing and actors.

Gone are the days of Bogey's dramatic draw on a cigarette, replaced by catchpenny one-liners unconvincingly uttered by the likes of Ah-nuld. Gone are the days of intelligent writing and new ideas, replaced by hackneyed cliches and ideas thieved from TV shows and video games.

There are still movies that I want to see - I like to see stuff blow up neat just as much as the next guy - but I miss movies that draw you in, and hold you entranced with the story and the characters. There's still some out there - mostly independent films - but they're few and far between.

Now, if you'll excuse me I think I need to pull out my copy of Casablanca.