When you look down your nose at me, I can see your boogers...

A few days ago my wife was driving through Gaslight Village in East Grand Rapids, and had...an "incident." Nobody was harmed, but it's annoying all the same.

Apparently a couple of young'uns decided to slowly amble across the road in front of her during a rainstorm. Right in front of her. When she had the right of way. Not in a crosswalk. So slowly, in fact, that she had to slam on her brakes to avoid hitting them. Apparently unfazed, they had the audacity to point and laugh at her car.

If this had been an isolated incident, I would've chalked it up to kids being bastard children; yelled at them to get the hell off my lawn and gone about my business. However, this wasn't an isolated incident; rather, it's becoming the norm. Without fail, every time I journey into East GR I'm greeted with thinly-veiled hostility; an air of snootiness that implies that I'm not good enough to be breathing their air - let alone shopping in their stores.

For example, I recently stopped in at the grocery store to pick up mushrooms. In the parking lot, I was nearly run over by two yuppies in their SUVs - one backing out from a parking spot (while talking on a cell phone); the other attempting to pull into a parking spot at record speed (while talking on a cell phone). Both regarded me with looks that seemed to say that they had missed me only because it would've been too inconvenient to wash my remains off their vehicle. Once in the store, the snootiness continued - including one woman who nearly ran me down with her Amigo motorized wheelchair to get to the potatoes. Again, the same look of disgust.

Bear in mind that when I go into this store I'm polite, quiet, and generally try to stay out of everyone's way. Unfortunately this same courtesy is not afforded me by the residents of this locale. It's not just the store; I've nearly been run over more often in East GR than anywhere else. It's also the place where I've nearly hit more people than anywhere else, apparently because walking your dog/walking/jogging/biking is that much better when you're three feet into traffic and ignoring the perfectly functional sidewalk. Just walking down the street in that part of town makes me feel overly self conscious; as if all eyes were focused on me, and fingers had dialed 911 on their cell phones and were waiting for a reason to hit "Send." It's almost enough to give a person a complex.

Mind you, I'm not a button-down, three-piece suit kind of guy. My hair's a bit long; I have an earring, and I've been known to wear obnoxious Hawaiian shirts on occasion. I don't - as far as I know - have a look about me that screams "serial killer," "vagabond," or "lobsters crawling out of my nose." If I do, someone please let me know.

I have begun to fight back, mind you. Not violently; that'd be ridiculous. No attitude; I don't want to sink to their level. No, I'm fighting back with humour.

For example:
When I purchased the aforementioned mushrooms, I noticed that I was being closely scrutinized by one of the employees. As he slowly priced the bags of potatoes, he kept a wary eye on me. Perhaps he thought I would attempt to shove a box of mushrooms down my pants and run out of the store with them. Whatever the reason, his steely gaze followed me wherever I went.
So....
...I did what I thought he wouldn't expect: I picked up a portobella, and licked it. I then repeated this with three more mushrooms, placing each one in my basket. Afterwards, I walked past the employee - who now looked more stunned than anything else - and remarked, "they need more salt."

So, you egocentric townies: be warned. Stare at me long enough, and I'll do something weird.