Cave Cuniculum...

Latin. Means "beware the rabbit."

Monday, June 30, 2008

There's No News Like Good News...

Yesterday I received some amazing news from The Wife™. It was this news that put a great big smile on my face; a smile bigger than Sarah Jessica Parker after strapping on a full feed bag.

What was this wondrous news, you ask?

Our upstairs neighbors are moving out.

Why is this wonderful news, you ask? Check the blog archives for what we've been dealing with since they moved in last September. Highlights include:

  • Overpowering cigarette smoke despite a no-smoking clause in the lease.

  • Pot smoking around their infant child.

  • Constant screaming matches.

  • Constantly crying baby.

  • Dirty diapers and baby barf in the driveway.

  • Random crashes and banging at all hours of the night.


This comes as better news as our recent attempts to find a home/other apartment have been fruitless. Now, we don't really have to move. While they're not perfect, I can deal with our landlords especially without having to deal with the [plural expletive deleted] upstairs.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Stick a fork in it...

Ding, dong, the deal is dead.

I talked to our realtor last night. "Countrywide," she sighed. "Is being Countrywide." While on the surface a seemingly concise statement, she was actually saying was something along these lines.

"Wonderful," I replied, while really meaning this.

While this may seem like strange thinly-veiled conversations between a realtor and a client, it makes sense considering what we've been through together. You see, for 120 days - that's one hundred and twenty for the numerically challenged - we've been attempting to get a deal put together for a house. Things took a severe nose-dive when Countrywide waddled their pimpled heiney into the picture. For nearly three months our realtor bravely muddled through the bovine scatology that Countrywide plopped out, and kept us abreast of new developments. She was with us to the bitter end, and did everything she possibly could to put this deal together for us. At times I wondered who was more frustrated with the situation, The Wife™ and I or our realtor.

Back to the present, and last night: essentially Countrywide rejected our offer despite getting close to what they wanted from the seller (i.e. a promissory note, their first born, and a nice shrubbery) and every other party signing off on the deal. They're now content to let it go to the sheriff's sale in a couple weeks to see what they can get out of it. If nobody bites there, it'll go into complete foreclosure.

We've pulled our offer, and are snidely conspiring to show up at the sheriff's sale only to put in an offer less than what we originally submitted. Barring that, we're now apartment hunting as we definitely cannot stay where we are.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

ADVISORY: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE

You have been warned. Strong language will be used in this post, as it is reflective of my frustrated emotional state.

I think Q*Bert said it best: "#*&%^@^%)~:#$%&)$*%^!!!"

Fucking Countrywide. They dick us around for nearly eighty days, fuck around with a "missing" appraisal, and now they have the nerve to ask the seller for a promissory note?!?

What. The. Fuck.

What they're asking is this: we purchase the house, and they task the seller with paying off the remainder of the mortgage. For example, if the seller owes $100,000 and we buy the house for $70,000, Countrywide's investors want the seller to still be on the hook for the remaining $30,000. Never mind that this is a short sale (meaning the seller can't keep up with the payments) and the house goes into foreclosure on June 12th. No, forget all that. What's important is how much these mongloid fucksticks can get out of a home that a)has sat vacant for two years, b)has been on the market for a year, and c)has one and only one offer - ours - since it's been up for sale.

<sarcasm>
Frankly, I'm surprised. With such sound business practices and willingness to work with potential buyers, it's shocking that they're being bought out by Bank of America.
</sarcasm>

I'm sick of being chainsawed in the scrotum just when it seems we're about to have our offer accepted. Countrywide has done nothing but hinder us in our attempts to purchase this house. From the "missing" appraisal to the sudden request of a promissory note, it seems like they don't want to sell this property.

Well, good luck to them. Good luck getting fuck all for that property. In nine days it goes into foreclosure, and enjoy paying $5,700 a year in taxes.

Maybe your former president can float you a loan from his $28 million severance package.

I'll be rescinding my offer shortly, by means of letting a diarrhetic pachyderm loose in your home office. Just to show I'm not a complete ass, I'll send along a spork so you can dig yourself out. Seems only fair, after the kindness you've shown me.

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